Last night I went to the sauna at my gym to meditate for 30 minutes. I started listening to the audio book “The Untethered Soul” (an absolute gem of a book btw) and I found myself on chapter 9 where it talked about the presence of an inner thorn that causes pain that many choose to protect and shelter in order to reduce any pain instead of ripping it out and removing the SOURCE of these inner conflictions.
This took me back to a time before I had discovered my inner thorn when I was still running from the pain that I felt deep within. I recall one specific night when my boyfriend at the time told me that his parents had talked to him about me and that they felt for me.. they said that when I laughed they could sense that it wasn’t genuine. They told him they could FEEL the pain I tried to hide behind my laughter.
That conversation hit me hard, it brought up the harsh reality of my situation in that moment. I was always trying to convince myself that I was fine, that I was strong and nothing could tear me down. But the truth was that I was broken. Still. I had allowed the pain I felt within from experiences the years prior to accumulate so vastly that it began to manifest in my every day life. The truth was that I was unhappy and tired of feeling so much guilt, shame, and low self-worth.
But I didn’t know how to change it.
I had never really worked on releasing the negative energy and pain that I felt within, I would always try to shelter it instead. When I felt lonely I would distract myself with work, or friends to not feel lonely. When I felt unloved I would date guys to simply feel as if I was being cared about. When I felt useless I would create a new goal for myself to accomplish and used that as validation of my self-worth. You see, this was all in an attempt to shelter and suppress my pain. I was not looking into WHY I felt lonely, unloved or useless.. because facing those facts would have been too painful. This is why I found myself in a position that night when I realized that even though I had fooled myself all that time into believing I was okay.. I was the ONLY ONE I was fooling.
Although it took some time for me to turn my self-awareness into self-recreation, I did eventually get to the point where I realized that I could in fact take full control of how I was feeling. Previously, I had no idea how powerful the mind could be and how I could learn to master it. About a year later, I began to really dedicate myself to figuring out my emotions and thought patterns and I learned the secret of how to remove this inner thorn from within myself instead of always trying to shelter it by running away from anything that could hurt me. There are some key points that serve as fundamentals and here I’ll share those gems with you:
- Honesty. I had to allow myself to be completely vulnerable and utterly honest with MYSELF. All along I was telling myself I was fine, I was filling voids in my life with fake friends, busy work, dates, ANYTHING to not be left alone with my emotions. I had to face my inner demons and see everything for what it was; a lot of fear and PAIN. I acknowledged it, and then I…
- Embraced it. Instead of running away from the pain that I was afraid to feel.. I seeked it. I was hungry for it. I was fed up of living in constant internal turmoil overwhelmed by my own emotional burdens. When I finally found all the inner painful demons I had suppressed deep within me.. I then decided I was OKAY with it. This was when the growth happened. I no longer was in a position of helplessness or defeat. I was in a position of strength, because I chose to be aware of what was causing me pain, embracing it and then deciding for myself whether I identified with those emotions or that lifestyle or whether IT DID NOT SERVE ME.
- Release. Once I was able to be honest with myself about my emotions, and my momentary weakness; once I decided that it was okay that I was in a position of struggle in my life; Once I decided that I did not want to feel worthless, ashamed, nor guilty any longer.. I began the process of releasing those negative energies and thought patterns. I took a stance in that moment and said “I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, I WILL NOT BE THE CAUSE OF MY OWN DEFEAT”.
These 3 steps are the foundation of a continuous journey I entered which allowed me to ultimately let go of the weight my past experiences had on me and also, allowed me to continuously control my emotions with events that occurred in my present life. This ability to confront my pain, embrace it and then release it, allowed me to deal with troubling events in my life with so much more strength and in a constant tranquil state of mind. I no longer lived in fear, stress or doubt. Those emotions no longer controlled my life. I was able to free myself and live a fuller life without the mental strain due to the skills I develop by doing the above. Because it is a skill, it is something that you must constantly have present and consistently practice. You will not be successful on your first attempt, but with every attempt you will feel your internal pain, doubts, fears and all negative energies begin to release their hold on you. Be patient with yourself and continue to practice.
The advice I give you all I used myself on a daily basis. I dedicated the time because I trusted that I would come out at the end in a better position in my life. It was the foundation of a beautiful and enlightening journey of spiritual growth and emotional healing and mental strength. I hope these tools help the rest of you to begin your own journey to conquer your own internal demons because remember.. you DESERVE to be genuinely happy, free from pain that controls your life.